But, there's more to it. The last year, especially up until January has been a trying ride. An emotional rollercoaster, really...and, it's felt like a rollercoaster. Completely and totally out of my control. But, at the same time, even when there are factors out of my control, I always control my emotional reaction to those things. In a way, with this project, I'm seeking control. Controlling emotions is difficult. It takes training and honesty with oneself. In a way, I'm starting small...controlling what goes into my body and how I treat my body. Once I master that, I can move onto other issues and maybe really start to feel more of a handle on my life.
The last issue is my ability to follow-thru on a project. I recently decided to take a break from my PhD. I'm not sure if I will come back and finish it. The future is open right now. But, it was a hard decision to make...walking away from something I've already dedicated 4 years to is scary. It makes me wonder, have I lost my ability to follow-thru? What's wrong with me that I can't finish this project that I started? But, it feels like the right move, so I'm sticking with my decision. In a way, I think starting and completing this project is a big part of showing myself that I can commit and see something thru to the end.
So, there you go. Does that answer the question? :) I am crazy, but really, aren't we all?
Just to update you on how day one is going....work-out completed without too much trouble. Push-ups were a bit challenging but I completed them. The rest felt pretty easy. The challenging part right now, though. I'm hungry! Oh god, am I hungry! I kind of feel like I eat small portions anyway, so cutting them in half makes me feel like I'm eating nothing. For breakfast, half a hard-boiled egg, half a bowl of blueberry mini-wheats with a small handful of blueberries...and some coffee with a bit of Coffeemate. Lunch, half a 6-inch turkey/ham sub, extra veggies and a bag of apple slices. I ate all the apple slices, b/c dude, they were only 35 calories and I'd normally eat a whole bag of chips. Oh, and unsweet tea. Dinner will probably be a fish taco and a small scoop of ice cream with blueberries. Soooooo hungry! :)
haha good job on completing your first day! I completely relate to the emotional rollercoaster of a year. I dropped out of a 4 year degree program for illustration...dropping out on my 3rd year like a week before the 4th year....I don't look at it as a sign of not being able to complete anything though. I was honestly just bored with it...only stayed as long as I did becuase it felt comfortable enough. Though it was in the art field so a degree there is just a formality that will get you a well paid desk job of some kind or another ( I'de much prefer packing grocery bags, but that's just me). I don't really know if things happen for a reason....but I do know that things HAPPEN and as long as you put the effort into whatever it is , it will be damn good. So your PCP will be damn good. PSHAAW I'de choose a clear mind and perfect physique over a degree ANYDAY haha. CONGRATS ON DAY ONE
ReplyDeleteSo wonderful that you're making decisions about your life - and doing this is a good decision! Bravo...
ReplyDeleteOne down.
Jenny, I'm a big believer in gut instinct, so if it feels right then it probably is right. who knows what you may decide in the future, but I think it's wicked cool that you're doing a project like PCP in the meantime to connect with yourself in a new way. Rock on!
ReplyDeleteSounds like the PCP came along at just the right time for you! It can be so scary to step back, especially when you've already invested a lot, but I admire you for doing it. Sometimes NOT thinking directly about a thing can help you figure it out -- so while you're rocking the PCP, your brain is chugging away at what you should do about your PhD. I bet the answers will come clearly to you in a few months.
ReplyDeleteHungry too. :)
Go Jenny!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteHey, Jenny, welcome!
ReplyDeleteAs I am coming to learn, there is a BIG difference between "skinny" and "good shape." (And, "peak condition," though I can't claim to be there yet.) You'll probably get this a lot from folks as you work the PCP.
The goal is to realize YOUR POTENTIAL, and that's going to be somewhat unique and different from anyone else. Don't worry about how that stacks up next to anyone else's perceived ideal.
"Torture" is what everyone else is doing to their bodies--"crazy" is the only way to be. BOO-YAH.