Final Post

I still don't really know what to say, but by god, I want that COMPLETE stamp. I'll just wing it and see what happens. I've spent the last couple days trying to adjust to the idea that I can eat and drink whatever I want whenever I want without thinking about it. That adjustment isn't coming and perhaps may never come. I've been hyper-conscious of every food or drink choice. Is this the right thing for my body? How is this going to make me feel? I've been allowing myself yummy indulgences, though. I ate out TWICE yesterday. OMG! Cuban for lunch. A strange sort of Mexican for dinner. For lunch, I ate half a cuban sandwich and instead of fries ordered the mixed veggies. The cuban was the greasiest, fattiest, salty thing I could possibly choose, and it was good, very good. I think the salt bloated me to twice my size though. Hey, at least I went veggies instead of french fries. And, for dinner, 2 tempeh tacos, whipped sweet potatoes and watermelon. I ate a leftover taco for breakfast. Both meals out were tasty. I enjoyed them. It is nice to say yes to friends, but then I went to the grocery store this afternoon and bought a basket full of organic veggies and fruits. So, as the next few weeks progress, I expect to find that balance of enjoying indulgences with friends and eating well at home.

I miss jumping rope. I've made myself take the last two days off from workouts. I rode my bike, though! Can't stop that! I think I'll start back with the rope tomorrow morning. I feel stiff when I wake up and need to pump that blood through the muscles early, work out all the kinks. Really, in the end, I enjoy working out. I even, but just a little, miss floor jumps. OMG!!! Did I say that???

Ok, ok, how about some pictures?! I know you want some. As far as stats, I can say I started out at 103.8 lbs and finished at 96.2 lbs. I probably lost over 10 lbs of fat but gained some of those lbs back in muscle. Really, your guess is as good as mine. I don't have all those fancy fat/muscle percentage numbers. Let's suffice it to say, I'm a teeny, weeny human being that can kick your ass. ;-)

Here's a gratuitous muscle shot.

And, just to give some perspective on how many inches I lost. The shorts I'm showing off in the picture below fit quite snugly before PCP. In fact, I'd say they were so tight I couldn't wear them out in public. I was too self-conscious about how they squeezed my ass. Fine around a boyfriend, not fine around a bunch of random people. I wore them the other day to a swimming pool. Got out of the swimming pool cold. Put them on. They fell off. I had to borrow a belt to keep them up.

I've made some great progress physically and mentally. I have two physical markers, my 1 pull-up! Strength, baby! And, the other day, I successfully balanced in crow pose. Not as long as I would like to hold the pose, but it's a start. Practice, practice, practice. I really, really want to pull myself into a headstand, but I'll start slow and work up. I need more flexibility! I've never been all that flexible, but I definitely became more flexible while working PCP. I hope with ballet and other future physical projects that I can continue increasing my flexibility, which will help tremendously with some of those advanced yoga poses.

Mentally, well, I was thinking today about how to express this progress. I thought of two things. Before I went to Belize, I was talking with a friend. In a good-natured way, he was complaining about how he was going to a house-warming party on Friday, where he'd get wasted, then a birthday party on Saturday, where he'd get wasted, and basically, just moaning about the fact that he'd be getting flat out party drunk all weekend. I said, you know, you don't HAVE to get so plastered. He said, yes, I do, Jenny, it's a group effort. Which made me stop and think, yes, yes, you're right, it IS a group effort. My decision to stop drinking before PCP and to continue that (excepting a few indulgences) through PCP was not necessarily ALL because I was becoming an emotional alcoholic but because I was becoming a social alcoholic. I just couldn't say no. Bear with me, this might be a bit convoluted. I really don't think I'm an emotional eater or drinker. I think I'm an emotional socialite. Eating and drinking, as we've discovered, are super social events. When I'm down, I bury myself in my friends. "You, friends, make me feel better! Make me feel loved!" So, I eat and I drink to contribute to the group effort and hope that it will make everyone love me. I want so badly for everyone to just love me.

I remember being in middle school, those awkward horrible in between years. When I was in 6th grade, I wanted more than anything to fit in with a certain group. I bought Duckheads (remember those shorts?) in all kinds of colors and these crazy colorful belts to wear with them. These were what the "in" crowd was wearing at the time. I just didn't fit, and my clothes weren't making them want to be my friend. At some point in 8th grade, I completely rebelled. I started wearing black, purple, blue, green nail polish. I bought black and white striped tights that I wore under cut off jeans with my Cure t-shirt that I got from some boy that was only in the school for a few weeks. I just changed completely. I kinda freaked out some people in the process. I was still making A's, so my parents just let it be. I guess it was my way of rebelling against my own inner need for love. The people that were my good friends, stayed my good friends, and the people I wasn't close to just drifted away and it was ok. In the end, despite my need for love, I am fiercely (fiercely!!) independent. I asserted my independence.

I parallel this to my decision to do this program. It's not quite the same, in that my friends now, are my friends. They are the people I love and I fit with them, but that doesn't mean that I can't assert my independence and go against the grain a bit. And, it's not to show them that I can be independent. It's to show ME. It's to regain my confidence in and love for myself, which is ultimately what both of these instances were all about in the first place. It's just a little hard to see that when starting out. It's only later that reflection allows for a deeper understanding of one's actions.

So, there you go. My journey. I'd like to close with some thank you's. First, let me thank Brett, who inspired me to actually take on the challenge of PCP. He's always been a down-to-earth, intelligent dude. I trusted his judgment, and rightly so! Thanks, Brett!!

I'd also like to thank all my various friends from all over the world that had nothing to do with PCP but were still there cheering me on. A special thanks to Kari Mac, who I believe read every single on of my damn blog posts; Michael VP Lemones, who was an extra vocal Facebook cheerleader; and Mexico Liz, the very first Gainesville friend to give me props for taking on such a hardcore project. And, seriously, all of you that I rarely see or talk to but who still commented on my spammy Facebook blog posts, you all rock! I love you!!!

I'd like to thank the entire PCP community for their support. Wow! So many amazing people from all over the world. :) Team Running Rats, y'all were amazing role models. I hope Team SEXAAAY lived up to your level of peakiness. Also, thank you to a couple KFBers who commented on my posts when I needed the most support, Shivani and Emily. I loved reading your blogs!

Patrick and Chen. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Chen, I don't know you, probably will never meet you, but because of you, I ate raw carrots and red peppers for breakfast this morning. You have NO IDEA how outside of my normal breakfast schema those items lie! Patrick, well, dude, do I really need to say it? You're \\ //! In my neck of the woods, that translates into fucking awesome. That is the highest compliment of thanks that I can give you.

And, last but not least, my team, Team SEXAAAY. Words can't describe how important you've been to me. Y'all are double dog \\ //!!! I just made that up, but I think it expresses my thoughts well. We are all so different, yet found the commonalities to support and love each other through an intense learning process. We all made it, alive and better than well. I'm so proud of us, and so proud to be a part of your team. Much love!!

Ok, with that, I sign off. It's been great, but it's time to let go and move on to other adventures. Live life, PCP lovies! You are always with me.